The Beautiful game.

Seeing that the world cup fever is creeping around the corner I feel it appropriate to give my ‘two cents’ on the beautiful game. Having an ex pro footballer as a step dad, I kinda qualify. That is where the interest ends however, I remember when I was younger he tried feverishly to get me interested in the beautiful game. Much to his disappointment he eventually realised that I had absolutely no hope and would rather be playing on video games instead (and not football ones). The straw that broke the camels back was when I asked why there weren’t mines on the pitch to make it more “interesting”. I never did grasp the concept, to me it has always been about overpaid idiots destitute of personality kicking a bag of air around. A game purely funded by greed.

It has to be said, the best part of any game is the aftermath. The whole 90 minutes prior is surplus to requirements. The topless fat xenophobic grown men crying into their carling is beyond hilarity. Nothing else is as amusing. These apes of men with their hairy backs, usually so stony faced and unrelentingly devoid of any emotion (because that would be ‘weak’) suddenly break down when the inevitable loss happens. Of course, this only happens when the team loses, otherwise its business as usual. Get as drunk as possible and act like a complete moron. And of course it isn't "just a game". yes it is, you fucking idiot. The whole worlds gravitational balance is not going to be disrupted because your shitty team lost. It really really does not matter in the grand scheme of things. You are hardly going ot lose your house (unless you went to the bookies prior and handed your keys over). I know nothing about football. I couldn’t even tell you who the current England captain is. One this is for certain, we will lose. Get those tear ducts ready guys.
You might think that this unpatriotic view is damning and categorically incorrect. You might think that I’m a complete idiot who has too much time on his hands. But I think I know why we don’t win… Hear me out.

Firstly, the old cliché that all footballers in the UK are overpaid. That is FACT. Where is the incentive to win if you have a reliable £500k going in the bank every Friday? All you have to do is run around for an hour and a half and you can buy a new Ferrari. Surely the game would be far more entertaining if you made them earn their money. In the “real world” if you didn’t perform at work, you wouldn’t get paid. The same should apply here. Don’t win, no money. It would make the games far more competitive and exciting, fuck – I might even like watching it. It would be genius. I’d quite like to see the role reversal of the British football archetype. Players crying because they lost and can’t afford a new spitfire for another week. It would be priceless.

Another thing that gets my goat, the England team get PAID to play in the world cup. I have been reliably informed that other countries get a bonus if they WIN. Whereas ours get paid whatever. Surely it should be a privilege to play for your country in the world cup? What kind of message does that give out to the rest of the world? Shameful.

Secondly, we won’t win because of our team. It has some fantastic players (apparently, I wouldn’t know) but c’mon… its all ego’s. Foreign teams win because they work together as a team. They are cohesive units. The English team is full of too many players out for themselves. None of them work together to achieve victory; they all want to be victorious on their own merit. Until the England squad pull their heads out of their arses we will not win.

Of course, if I’m wrong I’ll sit there crying into my pint.